Next Stop Communism...

Why does the government feel the need to constantly oppress the youth?  For some reason they think they need to protect us from ourselves.  Normally it is stupid things like “kids need an education so its mandatory to go to school until you are 16,” or “kids distract each other so no more riding with passengers for the first x months.”  My personal favorite is “kids are irresponsible so they need a legal guardian until they are 18.”  Yeah like that’s necessary, Tom Sawyer and Huckleberry Finn didn’t listen to their guardians and they turned out fine.  The powers that be seem to think that if they don’t continuously impose restrictions on the youth we will all turn into drug addicted hookers, or traveling bands of outlaws destroying everything in our path.  Well one government agency has finally started to go too far.  The Food and Drug Administration is in the process of banning alcoholic energy drinks like Four Loko and Joose from the shelves of all beer stores and gas stations.  Really?!  That is the biggest concern of the FDA right now?  Not determining continuing to do redundant research on the negative effects of tobacco, or figuring out what does and doesn’t need to be put on the nutrition labels for food that nobody reads?   

A representative said “Let these rulings serve as a warning to anyone who tried to peddle dangerous and toxic brews to our children. Do it and we will shut you down.”  First of all I'm an adult and can make whatever destructive decisions I want.  I don’t need some stuck up broad who probably hangs out at douchey martini bars to tell me what I can and cannot drink.  Secondly it is not as if there is some shady street vendor with a silver tongue tricking people into buying the stuff.  I mean sure Four Loko tastes like what I imagine battery acid tastes like, but if I want caffeine and booze at the same time why shouldn’t I be allowed to have them.  This isn’t stopping bars from having $2 rum and coke night, or $5 vodka bombs.  I'm sure that stuck up representative even enjoys an Irish coffee every now and then if she is feeling especially saucy.  So is there any purpose in making me go through the extra step of mixing my booze and energy, besides just annoying the piss out of me?  Is it the great bang-for-your-buck these things offer with high alcohol content and low prices that are drawing the ire of the people who are supposed to be representing the public?  Apparently our favorite representative said there was a study done showing people combining booze and caffeine are more likely to be injured, be sexually assaulted, or drink and drive.  Well sure drunk people are more likely to do dumb stuff and get injured, but how is there any way you would be more likely to be sexually assaulted?  I mean with all the extra energy from the caffeine you should have extra energy to fight them off.  And caffeine can help make people more vigilant, so if people are going to drink and drive wouldn’t it be better if they had the extra edge from the caffeine?  And that whole thing about 50 people getting too messed up at a party shouldn’t even be brought into the conversation.  A small sample of idiots should never be allowed to mess things up for everyone else.  Would women like it if Sarah Palin was used as the example of all female politicians?  

So before all these crotchety old people decide what is in the best interest of the young generations, why don’t they consider what would happen if the shoe was on the other foot.  Everyone knows old people cannot drive, so why don’t we make them retake their drivers test every six months to ensure the roads are safe.  I'm sure that would go over well.  If I want to go on a marathon drinking binge enhanced by caffeine that is my prerogative.  Both are legal separately so banning the sale of the combination isn’t going to deter the consumption, it’s just going to kill capitalism, and push us closer to communism.

5 BOLD NFL Predictions!

        I know I Know we have been slacking.  But he we are again.  And I bet you want to know why I'm waiting till after the first week to make predictions.  Well, I pity the fool who thinks you can learn anything in the NFL preseason.  So after seeing what needed to be seen in week 1 I give you things which are sure to happen.  How do I know?  Well Marty McFly didn’t leave a sports almanac in my car, so I shook a magic 8-ball until it told me these things were true.

Antonio Cromartie Will Have an Interception Every Game.  

You are probably thinking to yourself: “he had more penalties in the first game than children he can’t name.”  My response: “you don’t get mad at McDonalds for setting up franchises.”  Seriously though, with Revis playing on the opposite side of the field wouldn’t you throw against Cromartie?  Most elite corners don’t get picks because quarterbacks don’t throw against them.  Well Cromartie went to a pro bowl in 2007 and has a lot of talent.  And he won’t get as many penalties as the season goes on, because he won’t be playing Anquan Boldin each week.

Pittsburgh Will Win 10+ games When Big Ben Returns.  

Sure he likes having his way with girls in the bathroom of a club, but hey deviants have had a place in the NFL before.  Killers like Ray Lewis, Dante Stallworth, and Leonard Little have performed well after their deeds (OJ did it after he was done playing).  There also is a precedent for Ben to perform above expectations.  He did win 14 games in a row as a rookie, and has had a perfect passer rating an astounding three times!  To put that in perspective the only other people to do that are Kurt Warner, with three, and Peyton Manning who had 4.  So much to the chagrin of quite a few people I think Roethlisberger will prevail if he doesn’t force the situation…. On the field I mean.

The Colts Will Not Make the Playoffs.  

This seems ludicrous I know, but come on, they cannot be great forever.  The biggest reason for this is that Bob Sanders is injured and may miss the entire season.  Bob Sanders is the best defensive player in the NFL.  Don’t believe me?  Look at what happens to the defense when he doesn’t play.  Then look at what happens when he does.  Arian Foster rushing for 231 yards while Big Bob is patrolling the field… NOT A CHANCE!  Sanders went out after the first series and Foster went off.  And after the loss to the Texans it’s hard not to think Houston of Tennessee will break through this year.  Without winning the division it is going to be near impossible for any team in the AFC to get a wild card for the playoffs, and there just seems to be a perfect storm for the blue and white to be at home for the postseason.

Drew Brees Will Win the NFL MVP. 

How is this bold?  Most people wouldn’t think this is too much of a stretch, since he has enough good pass catchers on his team to start a new arena league.  But people forget he was on the cover of Madden this year, and the Madden curse has yet to fail.  What about Brett Favre he didn’t miss any games?  Yeah but he tore his bicep and threw a million interception to end the season—yes a million I watched film and counted.  What does Brees have that the other Madden covergirls don't? Well he is the only pocket passer not receiving social security, and also the only one to appear as a guest on the season finale of Entourage.  Those two things lead me to believe he will not be injured, he will throw for over 5000 yards again, and the decline of Peyton Manning will leave the MVP primed for Brees’ picking.

The Redskins Will Win the NFC East.  

If you expected me to go through an entire football conversation without saying anything blindly favoring my team you better get familiar.  There is a new sheriff in town, a new man pulling the trigger, and an above average defense.  John Elway was older than McNabb when Shanny first got to Denver, and McNabb never had a real run game in that trashy—literally trash everywhere—city of Philly.  In addition to the improvements made, the rest of the division seems to be a little down this year.  Skins went 0-6 in those games, already have a leg up on the Cowgirls, Philly will not win with Kolb and don’t want to commit to Vick, and the Giants seem to keep getting worse since their Super Bowl Win.  So Hail to the Redskins, ‘cause they’re bringing the division crown back where it needs to be!

Sorry for the delay, and be sure to comment and also check the "Is This Code Section For Updates!


--Grey Area

Kal-El... You Disappoint Me! (Spoilers Encased... but if you haven't already after 4 years don't even bother just read)

ENCODED MESSAGE // FROM: AGENT ORANGE

  

SUPERMAN RETURNS

Director: Brian Singer

Major Players: Kevin Spacey, Kate Bosworth, and Kevin Routh

Im only writting this to stop the crazy long break that LNGchz has been having lately and I apologize to the fans... I'm also writing this because as we speak Grey Matter is watching the worst superhero film since Catwoman... Let's take a trip down memory lane and this has been a long time coming... and someone needed to say it... SUPERMAN RETURNS BLOWS... Did (Director) Brian Singer see Mallrats!? For god sakes Brodie said Superman can't bang regular chicks. The guy blows a load like a shotgun (thus killing them) and Wonder Woman is the only woman with a strong enough womb to carry his child and i believe him dammit!! So when I found out Lois Lane (played by Kate Bosworth) gave birth to Superman's child, I couldn't help but picture Bosworth as corpse drenched in Kryptonian semen throughout the rest of the movie!! And what the hell is up with him neglecting to fight anyone in the movie? I watch Superman to see him whip up on some alien ass (or at least get some) not save the everyday man from everyday life... that's what drugs and alcohol are for people... we don't need him running around saving people from natural disasters and burning buildings, the Earth is populated enough. I only got one word that could make the sequel 100 times better... DOOMSDAY!!! Comic fans know what I'm talking about and if you dont know look it up... Click DOOMSDAY! The best thing about this movie was Kevin Spacey's performance as Lex Luthor. He was the perfect choose in my opinion... as was new comer Brandon Routh as Superman... but anyone could play Superman with the limited amount of lines that Routh had... I would've settled for Tom Cruise as Superman because you would save money on stuntmen and CG effects because Tom Cruise does what Superman does on a daily basis all the while making multi-million dollar movie deals... but that's a story for another day!! What i'm trying too say is not to see this film if you like Superman because it'll distort your vision of the man of steel for years to come! Soooo looks like DC comics fans are going to have to settle with Batman because he seems to be the only superhero that can deliver box office gold. Batman 2 - Superman 0!


END//TRANSMISSION


--Agent Orange

Grey Area's Top Ten Movies

Now I know taste in movies is completely subjective, so I'm not going to say Agent Orange has bad taste.  I will however, say that i think there is something wrong with his tongue.  Sure he has some great movies on his list, but there is always room for improvement (on his list not mine).  So without keeping you waiting any longer check out the movies that I love to love (comments are encouraged so please do it).


10. Christmas Vacation

"Can I refill your eggnog for you? Get you something to eat? Drive you out to the middle of nowhere and leave you for dead?"


SYNOPSIS: Family man Clark Griswald tries to put together the perfect Christmas.


I have watched this movie at least twice between thanksgiving and Christmas for around fifteen years.  Maybe it’s the fact that my family is nowhere near this level of dysfunctional, that I cannot imagine any family being this ridiculous.  Maybe it’s the comedic genius of Chevy Chase.  Whatever it is this movie always leaves me in stitches.




9. Taxi Driver

"Thank God for the rain to wash the trash off the sidewalk"


SYNOPSIS: Travis Bickle tries vigilante justice.


Anyone who thinks The Departed is Scorcese’s best film should be bludgeoned.  My personal favorite of his shows you don’t have to be sane to make to try and make a difference, and hey, I might be crazy for liking this movie so much.  Twelve year old prostitutes and attempted assassinations are just some of the things this movie has to offer.  Is Travis Bickle some deranged loony or the sanest person left in New York?  He has a .44 Magnum that will try and convince you of the latter.




8. The Godfather Part II

 "If anything in this life is certain, if history has taught us anything, it is that you can kill anyone. "


SYNOPSIS: Michael Corleone continues to increase his families power.


Not much to add to what Agent Orange has said about this movie, but I will separate it from the first because the duality of this film to me makes it superior in my mind.  The parallel story lines of Michael and Vito Corleone’s surges in power create an interesting dynamic.  It is hard to say who the better head of the family is; Vito or Michael?  One thing is certain though; they must make pretty good olive oil to have so much money.

7. The Prestige

"Are you watching closely?"

SYNOPSIS: A rivalry between two magicians escalates out of control.

Do I really have a movie about magicians in my top ten?! Yes!  If David Blaine and Chris Angel were not such douches they might be 1% as awesome as Christian Bale and Hugh Jackman.  This movie is about more than parlor tricks.  It is about revenge, deceit, envy, pride, and much more.  This is about as dark as it gets.  The professional rivalry and personal hatred shared by the two main characters should resonate powerfully in anyone who has ever wanted to succeed.  And with an ending more twisted than Ben Roethlisberger’s sex life, The Prestige delivers all the way through to the end.

6. The Hurt Locker

"There's enough bang in there to blow us all to Jesus. If I'm gonna die, I want to die comfortable. "

SYNOPSIS: An army bomb squad counts down their time left in the desert.

War movies based around infantry units are so played out.  Katherine Bigelow realized this and made clearly the best movie of 2009.  If anyone really likes Avatar more than this I will gladly place a swift kick in their genitals.  Watching someone try to diffuse a bomb might be more stressful than actually diffusing one yourself.  The toll of war on a person and the anticipation of a completed deployment are explored at a level rivaled by few films.  All in all this movie is da bomb…

5. Garden State

"Wow! I cannot believe you're not retarded!"

SYNOPSIS: Andrew Largeman gets more than he bargained for when he returns home.

This movie has romance and it has comedy, but I'm not ready to lump it in with romantic comedies.  The humor is so much more clever than the low brow, slap-stickesque jokes they pawn off as witty.  It’s the little things in the movie that make it funny.  The lives of these people are way too ordinary, and it seems almost more like a snapshot into the lives of regular folk, than a Hollywood interpretation of what we call reality.  Even though it is set in the Dirty Jersey, I won’t hold it against it.

4. Kill Bill

"That woman deserves her revenge and we deserve to die."

SYNOPSIS: Left for dead a woman looks for revenge.

Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned, and scorned this woman is.  Of course both volumes make the film in its entirety, because vol. 2 is not a sequel.  The homage’s paid to film genres of old make this film more than just a violent epic, they make it the greatest violent epic.  The dialogue is intelligent and the action is top notch.  The simplicity of the main story line along with the incredibly interesting back stories make for a truly great film.

3. Snatch

"You should never underestimate the predictability of stupidity." / "isfermema"

SYNOPSIS: I got nothing, watch it then you try...

It’s hard to know where to begin with this movie because it has so much going on during the course of it becoming overwhelmed seems very plausible the first time.  But the complexity of the story is probably one of the most endearing things about this Guy Ritchie masterpiece.  Small time crime and big time crime collide and create something that people can’t help but love.  One of my favorite movies to quote, who wouldn’t love a movie with replica guns, overweight getaway drivers, or Brad Pitt playing an Irish gypsy?

2. Top Gun

"Too close for missles, I'm switching to guns."

SYNOPSIS: Maverick and Goose try to prove their the best in the Navy

In my mind Top Gun is the greatest thing to come out of the 80s besides me and two Redskins Super Bowl wins.  This timeless classic more than makes up for all of Tom Cruise’s involvement in scientology.  I have loved this movie since the first time I saw it when I was nine.  I don’t know how many times I have seen it since then, *SPOILER ALERT* but I still get choked up every time Goose dies (I watched it today).  I will go ahead and make one of those bold statements of mine Agent Orange is so fond of, and say that no machine humans have ever created is more aesthetically pleasing than the F-14 Tomcat.  I am still waiting to this day to find the perfect wingman (pun intended) to try the “You’ve Lost That Loving Feeling” pick up technique with.

1. Fight Club

"On a long enough timeline, the survival rate for everyone drops to zero."

SYNOPSIS: A man learns who he really is

I have absolutely loved this movie since I was thirteen, and back then I didn’t even fully understand what was going on.  Every time I watch this I reconsider all of my materialistic short comings, and vow to try and work my way towards the ideals of Tyler Durden.  I fail every time, but this summer my lazy unemployed self isn’t doing too terrible of a job (although once pay checks start up again I will probably fall back off the wagon).  It is because of this movie I know I am not a beautiful or unique snow flake, and if I blow up my living space in an attempt to rediscover myself… well don’t blame Fight Club, I love it too much!

Best of the Rest:

-The Silence of the Lambs

-Pulp Fiction

-Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back

-Requiem for a Dream

-Watchmen

Agent Orange's Top 10 Movies of all time... for now

ENCODED MESSAGE // FROM: AGENT ORANGE

I’ve been thinking about doing this since we first started LNGchz. I was a tad too timid at the time but if my trip to Bonnaroo taught me anything it’s to be BOLD (Grey Matter knows what I’m talking about). SO I’m stepping up my game and I’m gonna flat out tell you… these are the best movies I’ve ever seen. Be wary… considering I haven’t been up on my movies in a while these movie are susceptible to change at anytime and believe me I’ll post them when necessary!

Let’s do this…

No. 10 Mallrats

“You fuckers think just because a guy reads comics he can’t start some shit!?”

SYNOPSIS: “Two slacker hang out in mall after being dumped by their girlfriends.”

You’re probably saying to yourself… “Wait a minute, Agent Orange! You’re number 10 favorite movie begins with the line “One time my cousin Walter got this cat stuck up his ass!?” YES! The reason Mallrats gets the nod at No. 10 is because it’s a movie where the character’s dialogue is essentially about nothing… NOTHING… like most conversation in real life! Heated debates such as “Is the cookie shop apart of the food court or is it just mid mall snacking?” and “Can Superman fuck regular chicks without killing them?” are settled in this very movie. I usually rip on jersey every chance I get, but the arm pit of America did something useful for once by producing one of the funniest writers in the industry and the only comedy on my list. Kudos to Kevin Smith! (brb I’m going to go watch it right now!)  

No. 9 Layer Cake

“You’re born, you take shit. You get out in the world, you take shit. You climb a little higher you take less shit. ‘Til one day you’re up into the rarefied atmosphere and you’ve forgotten what shit even looks like. Welcome to the Layer Cake, son.”

SYNOPSIS: “A successful cocaine dealer gets two tough assignments from his boss on the eve of his planned early retirement.”

You know when you’re tired and you put on a movie to go to sleep… well I had seen every movie in my collection and I was looking for some new blood, so I asked my roommate for a movie and he gave me LAYER CAKE and shut the door in my face being it was 3 o’clock in the morning. I had no prior information about this movie and I put it in expecting to dose off mid opening credit, but it grabbed my eye lids and glued them to my forehead. Layer Cake is, in my book, a very rare and new take on the gangster film in terms of the main character isn’t the common wise guy with something to prove. He gets what he needs done all in hopes of leaving the life behind. Hell, he doesn’t even have a gun but substitutes it for his smart wit. I know all you Scarface fans are like that’s lame, Agent Orange, but there is some violence in there for you and oh yea… Sienna Miller = Gorgeous!

No. 8 Ninja Scroll

“If you want the company of devils, you’d better hurry back to hell…”

SYNOPSIS: “A wandering Ninja, get’s dragged into a civil war in Feudal Japan.”

Yes… A fucking ninja, you nay sayers!!! This is the first anime I’ve ever seen and I will never underestimated cartoons again. This movie is the best animated feature I’ve ever seen from the opening rape scene (from what I hear Grey Area would get a kick out of that jk jk) to the literal eye popping sword battles our hero finds himself in. Don’t slouch on this Japanese masterpiece. I advise you get your ass to the nearest video store and add it to your collection… NOW!

No. 7 Star Wars: Empire Strikes Back

“Who you calling scruffy lookin’?”

SYNOPSIS: “While Luke Skywalker advances his Jedi training… his friends are ruthlessly pursued by Darth Vader.”

This movie is the best of the original trilogy nay the complete anthology and I’m willing to fight you if you say otherwise just type your address in the comment box and I’ll show you what the dark side is all about. Empire is by far the darkest of the trilogy and the most fast paced. While A New Hope was a fun ride and Return of the Jedi was a class act joke in my book, Empire proved it is the realest of the bunch by showing true character development (something that Lucas lacks on a grand scale). Han Solo steals the movie from under Luke’s nose bringing his lady love, Leia, with him for some serious time in the spotlight. Billy Dee Williams proves there are black people a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away and Oh yea… Vader proves why he’s the baddest mother fucker in the galaxy... ‘Nuff Said!  

No 6. Goodfellas

“As far back as I can remember. I always wanted to be a gangster.”

SYNOPSIS: “We witness Henry Hill’s rise to low level gangster and fall to rat bastard.”

If there is any gangster film you have to see it’s Goodfellas. “But Agent Orange, what about Scarface and American Gangster?” FUCK SCARFACE AND FUCK AMERICAN GANGSTER!!! They aren’t on the level of Goodfellas and they never will be. I grew up watching this movie because it was a favorite in my family. Of course, I didn’t understand it at the tender age of 6… I just saw guns, drugs, and Joe Pesci and Robert DeNiro offing guys left and right and I thought, “Damn this movie is awesome!” (Don’t Judge me). Don’t get me wrong, I still think that said debauchery is “awesome”, but when I matured to the point I could comprehend the characters and story I realized this movie is more than just a shoot ‘em up Gangster film with a bunch of funny talking wise guys. It’s a great story of three guys making their way in the world and their collapse. Whenever you watch this movie, you can’t tell me you weren’t mad when Karen flushes Henry’s remaining cocaine down the toilet. So remember kids, stay away from loose women, incompetent friends, and blow… and you too may be a wise guy one day.

No. 5 The Godfather 1 & 2 (Shut up it’s my list and these two count as one)

“Never hate your enemies. If affects your judgment.”

SYNOPSIS: “With the fall of Don Corleone comes the rise of his much colder son, Michael Corleone.”

“Two (Three… well four if you count Layer Cake) Gangster movies in a row, Agent Orange!?” YEP! It’s something about gangster movies that bring out the best in cinema! To quote the Geto Boys, “Damn it feels good to be a gangster”. Ok, I thought that the Godfather movies were for older people when I was younger and there was no way I was ever going to like them, but what do you know, now I’m one of those old people telling my little cousins to watch it knowing damn well they are calling me an old fart for trying to get them to watch the Godfather over Scarface. The Godfather is the best rise to power movie I’ve ever seen period. Al Pacino is a monster as Michael Corleone. I have nightmares of him ordering a hit on me every time I fall asleep after watching this movie… and you can take that as a compliment. What the fuck are you waiting for call out of work, get some popcorn, and lock the doors! You’re in for the greatest gangster experience of your life!

No. 4 The Dark Knight

“And here… we… go!”

SYNOPSIS: “Batman, Jim Gordon, and Harvey Dent are pushed to their limits dealing the Anarchist mastermind only known as The Joker.”

If you haven’t seen this movie… drop what you’re doing and go die in a corner. The highest grossing superhero film of all time and one of the best sequels I’ve ever seen. The Dark Knight has everything movie goers can wish for… action, comedy (a little dark at times), and drama. I’m in heaven whenever I watch this movie. The thing about this movie is that its script is not your typical superhero script. It’s so down to earth you could’ve easily replaced Batman with a disgruntled cop and the Joker with a clean faced psychopath. The Dark Knight is proof that superheroes movise can have moved on from campy story telling and lame characterization… either way you play it’s BOX OFFICE GOLD!!! This movie should’ve gotten an Oscar without Heath Ledger having to die.

No. 3 Boogie Nights

“I got a feeling that behind those jeans is something wonderful waiting to get out.”

SYNOPSIS: “A story of a young man’s venture into the California porn industry of the 70s and 80s.”

I’ve never seen or heard about this movie until my junior year in high school. I was bored out of my mind one day and I went browsing through my cousin’s DVD collection and decided to watch something new and then Boogie Nights caught my eye and I gave the DVD case a glance and saw a slew of great actors all bundled up in this one movie: Mark Walhberg, Burt Reynolds, Julianne Moore, Don Cheadle, Heather Graham, Philip Seymour Hoffman, Thomas Jane, Robert Downey Sr., John C. Riley, and Luis Guzmán. I was dumbfounded I had never heard of this movie before. Without hesitation I popped the DVD in… and two in a half glorious hours later it was done and I said to myself, “I just watched the rise and fall of a porn star… and I liked it!” But it’s more than just pseudo porn, you pervs, it’s a great story which sticks to the theme of family… through all the trials of these fucked up porn stars (no pun intended) go through they struggle to stay a family and live their lives in a world where they are looked down upon. Go check this movie out! Too ashamed to buy it? I’ll lend you my copy!

No. 2 Cruel Intentions

“You have killer legs. I’d like to photograph them…”

SYNOPSIS: “Kathryn makes a bet that her step-brother, Sebastian, can’t bed Annette, the headmaster’s virgin daughter who believes in waiting for true love. If he loses, Kathryn gets his Jaguar, if he wins, he gets Kathryn.”

Based on the French novel by Choderlos de Laclos, Les Liaisons dangereuses (That’s Dangerous Liaisons in French) this movie is a story so packed with drama you can’t help but be dragged into the lives of the characters. This movie was one of those movies I was ashamed to say I owned because I thought it was a chick flick and then I realized this movie is far from a chick flick. For Christ sake, it’s about sex, drugs, lies and deceit the building blocks of the greatest drama of the 90s. Watching this movie, you truly will witness one of the greatest character transformation in Sebastian Valmont (Ryan Phillippe) and one can’t help but love Sarah Michelle Gellar’s  portrayal as the manipulative bitch that is Kathryn Merteuil… gentlemen looking for a movie to impress your girls? Well look no further than Cruel Intentions!
P.S. Sarah Michelle Gellar and Selma Blair make out hardcore in this one.

No. 1 Pulp Fiction

“They call it a Royale with Cheese”

SYNOPSIS: “The lives of two mob hit men, a boxer, a gangster’s wife, and a pair of diner bandits intertwine in four tales of awesomeness.”

You thought I forgot about Tarantino didn’t you? No fucking way I was going to forget Pulp Fiction. This movie mind fucked me the first time I saw it. Literal DICK to MIND penetration. I was at the barber shop getting my haircut when I first saw it. I was so captivated by it I tied to get a glance at it every chance I got… even resorting to looking at the television’s reflection in the mirror to see it. When my hair cut was over some asshole had changed the television to The Maury Show (No ill will toward Maury, I like ignorant people embarrassing themselves on television as much as the next guy, but I had to see the rest of this movie). So upon leaving the barber shop, I remembered that the adult video store next door had legit DVDs in the front of the store and I prayed to god Pulp Fiction was among those movies on the near empty shelves. And there it was an unopened deluxe edition of the movie all mine for the taking. For the first time, I left that video store with my dignity in tact as I walked back to my house and watched it a dozen times. What I dug the most about Pulp Fiction was the witty dialogue. Everything seemed to snap and pop from the actors like they were born to play these parts. In all honesty, it took me a half hour to decide what quote to use at the top of this pick. Pulp fiction didn’t only entertain me, it single handedly brought Travolta and Willis’s career’s back to life and introduced Sam Jackson as the bad mother fucker he would play in the millions roles he would get afterward. 

GET IT. WATCH IT. LOVE IT. QUOTE IT.

NOTABLE MENTIONS (So close, yet so far away…):
-The Departed
-Menace to Society
-Kill Bill 1 & 2 (It was made as one movie assholes)
-Gladiator
-Fight Club
-Terminator 2

Bold enough to tell me your top 10? Leave your list in a comment…

END//TRANSMISSION

--Agent Orange

Whataroo?!

            Someone asked me, “You’re spending almost three hundred dollars to sleep in a tent for four days without showering and see some concerts?”  To which I replied, “No, I’m spending almost three hundred dollars to sleep in a tent for four days without showering to party and see some concerts.” 

            When I first heard about Bonnaroo from a friend last summer, I blew it off as more or less one of those big concerts radio stations put on.  When the lineup came out in February and I checked it out, I immediately recruited a few friends to embark on a journey to the unknown to experience this Bonnaroo thing firsthand.

            It was not quite what I expected considering no one I’m especially close to had ever been, so I was going in blind.  What we found resembled more of a fair than anything else with all kinds of tents and vendors and people wandering around aimlessly smoking pot and doing drugs wherever they felt like it. While drinking and drugs were a huge part of the atmosphere, which I was aware was going to be the case, the driving force of everything was most definitely the music.

            Everywhere, for sixteen hours a day inside the Centeroo (area with stages, tents, etc.) music was being played.  Rock, Hip Hop, Folk, Metal, Country—it didn’t matter, there was always music.  It was a good thing I packed my big boy liver, and my eclectic ears, because 12 beers by 12:00 noon each day and 25 shows over four days with minimal sleep during June in Tennessee can wear anyone down.  And some of the highlights I feel are probably worth mentioning…

Acts you probably never heard of but should check out:

Baroness - I'm not really huge into metal and could have done without some of the screaming, but their shit hit hard.  The drummer was out of control good, and I’m pretty sure my heart beat to the rhythm he was pounding on the base drum.  A girl got dragged out through the crowd, and I’m not sure if she was too f’d up for her own good or had an arrhythmia from the stuff he was playing.

Jay Electronica - this rapper from New Orleans is legit.  He had some serious gravitas up on the stage and with flows like “I make the devil hit his knees and say the our father” he’ll blow your mind like John Wilkes Booth.

Monte Montgomery - saw this guy and his band front row at a jam session at this tiny little stage a couple hours after he played at one of the main tents.  This guy killed it. You will be hard pressed to find a dude that rocks out harder on the acoustic guitar.  Although I either freaked him out or made his day, when I chased down his golf cart later to shake his hand and tell him he is awesome.

Things I am disappointed about:

            Missing The Dead Weather - my friend Mr. Leitch and I let our wanderlust get the best of us, and we roamed Centeroo while ending up catching Rock and Roll Hall of Famer Jeff Beck.  The only thing was everyone that saw The Dead Weather (Jack White’s side band) said they were absolutely amazing.

            Missing Steve Martin (yes actor/comedian Steve Martin) - He plays banjo for the Grammy award-winning bluegrass band The Steep Canyon Rangers and is supposedly quite good.  Even though I could have caught the last half of their show once Tenacious D finished rocking my socks off, my dumb ass just completely forgot they were playing.  Fml

            Bitching out on John Fogerty - while typing this just now I realized the last four letters of his name are in order on the keyboard, but I have known for a long time that the former lead singer of Creedence Clearwater Revival has the voice of an angel.  After the better part of ten songs, we let the 93 degree heat bully us into the shade… none of which was within earshot of the great John Fogerty.

Top Five Shows:

            5. Jamey Johnson - Country singer turned recluse turned country singer/songwriter has the best beard in music not counting anyone in ZZ Top. Not only that, he is a great performer who doesn’t sing all that stupid pop/country music on the radio today.  His music has a certain soul that is missing from all these country artists who don’t even write their own stuff.  A couple times I even got chills, but I'm not sure if that was from the music or a cool breeze hitting my sweat.  It also didn’t hurt that I was second row!

            4. Kings of Leon - Love their music to begin with but something about them was just so much better in person.  They had great lighting effects, sounded great, and something about the singer’s voice just can’t be captured over audio/video recordings.  The only complaint I have is with the Bonnaroo scheduling committee, who put an impossible decision on my shoulders and made me leave the show early.

            3. Stevie Wonder - music like Stevie’s is timeless- and while you may not think you can name more than three of his songs off the top of your head if that many at all- once he sits at that piano and starts hitting the keys, you start feeling it all over… simply amazing.

            2. Jay Z - while Jigga doesn’t seem like your typical hippie music festival headlining act, he completely vindicated the people who select the artists with his performance.  Starting with the countdown on the jumbotrons to build anticipation and all the way to his final verse he had the crowd moving and into it the entire time.  A great set list along with mashing up some of his best songs onto other tracks, like “Heart of the City” and U2’s “Sunday, Bloody Sunday,” the only thing this show didn’t have was a Stevie Wonder duet.

            1. The Black Keys - The only thing that was going to get me away from that Kings of Leon stage was this show.  If you don’t know The Black Keys, well then you better get familiar.  The blues-rock duo of Dan Auerbach and Patrick Carney were everything I could have hope for, more, and then some.  Carney’s unconventional use of maracas and tambourines instead of drum stick only compliment his already super ability. Auerbach plays guitar riffs that sound like stuff stolen from never released Jimi Hendrix recordings, and his voice sounds like a mixture of Fergie and Jesus.  Simply put, if sex ended in a Black Keys concert instead of an orgasm that would be fine by me.

--Grey Area

The GRENADE

ENCODED MESSAGE // FROM: AGENT ORANGE

To soldiers all over the world, the worst thing to find themselves next to is an active grenade with its pin pulled. Being an American (ROCK, FLAG AND EAGLE) college student and as far away from a conventional war zone as possible, I don’t have that problem, but like said soldiers I fear the unsuspecting, reputation crippling, effects of finding an active Grenade in my bed whenever I wake up the next morning after a weekend bender. Right now, you’re probably saying, “Agent Orange, that is possibly the most unlikely scenario anyone could find themselves in”! But on the contrary, given enough alcohol and a simple lapse in judgment you too could find yourself waking up to this unlikely explosive device as well. 
Webster’s dictionary defines a grenade as a small shell containing an explosive and thrown by hand or fired from a rifle or launching device. Well, Webster’s Dictionary can lick Bea Arthur’s taint (respect) because its definition of a grenade is as useless as a paraplegic’s toes here at Late Night Grilled Chz.

Grenade [gri-neyd] (n.)
An unattractive female; usually the solitary ugly chick within a group of hot chicks that no one wants to hook up with.

Yes… as Webster’s grenade could end a soldiers life, our Grenade on the other hand could out right cripple your reputation. At any night scene, be it a simple house party to your raging college bar scene… there are Grenades and NO you can not avoid them. Grenades embed themselves in with attractive women and are possibly best friends with them so if you ever plan on going up and talking to a hot chick you will undoubtedly meet the Grenade. There are rules to follow when meeting the Grenade because the Grenade can ruin your night at the drop of the hat.

1.)    DUCKS FLY TOGETHER: If you the Grenades not happy, NOBODY’S HAPPY!!! If you try to take a grenades hot friend home with you and she and she isn’t satisfied by the end of the night she’ll pull the “ducks fly together” card and you’ll be left at home with only a your lotion and lap top for company.

2.)    BE NICE BUT NOT TOO NICE: You have to acknowledge the Grenade but you must never… and I repeat NEVER be overly nice to her or it’ll back fire on you. If the Grenade gets the slightest vibe (though unrealistic) that you like her she’ll explode taking your chances with her friend to the grave. All she has to utter is those simple four words, “I think he’s cute” and BOOM. The highly attractive chick not wanting to disappoint her fat friend pawns you off on her. And you’ll have unwanted company following you around until the party is busted or the bar closes.

3.)    THE HOPPER: It is impossible to avoid the Grenade but there are precautions you can take to not have to deal with her. If you travel in a groups everyone could be assigned someone to talk to exclusively and someone could be assigned to be the hopper. The Hopper is the friend that has to cover the grenade and hense no collateral damage.  

So now that you know the true definition of a Grenade and the 3 standard rules about these explosive females I expect you to be careful on the field of battle soldier. And remember next time you find yourself grinding with a sexy honey to that annoying Ke$ha song be on the look out for the Grenade that could be lurking in this chicks shadow.

END // TRANSMISSION 

--Agent Orange

Coming Soon:

The GRENADE Indicator – a report from LNGChz on the many types of Grenades there are out there .