The GRENADE

ENCODED MESSAGE // FROM: AGENT ORANGE

To soldiers all over the world, the worst thing to find themselves next to is an active grenade with its pin pulled. Being an American (ROCK, FLAG AND EAGLE) college student and as far away from a conventional war zone as possible, I don’t have that problem, but like said soldiers I fear the unsuspecting, reputation crippling, effects of finding an active Grenade in my bed whenever I wake up the next morning after a weekend bender. Right now, you’re probably saying, “Agent Orange, that is possibly the most unlikely scenario anyone could find themselves in”! But on the contrary, given enough alcohol and a simple lapse in judgment you too could find yourself waking up to this unlikely explosive device as well. 
Webster’s dictionary defines a grenade as a small shell containing an explosive and thrown by hand or fired from a rifle or launching device. Well, Webster’s Dictionary can lick Bea Arthur’s taint (respect) because its definition of a grenade is as useless as a paraplegic’s toes here at Late Night Grilled Chz.

Grenade [gri-neyd] (n.)
An unattractive female; usually the solitary ugly chick within a group of hot chicks that no one wants to hook up with.

Yes… as Webster’s grenade could end a soldiers life, our Grenade on the other hand could out right cripple your reputation. At any night scene, be it a simple house party to your raging college bar scene… there are Grenades and NO you can not avoid them. Grenades embed themselves in with attractive women and are possibly best friends with them so if you ever plan on going up and talking to a hot chick you will undoubtedly meet the Grenade. There are rules to follow when meeting the Grenade because the Grenade can ruin your night at the drop of the hat.

1.)    DUCKS FLY TOGETHER: If you the Grenades not happy, NOBODY’S HAPPY!!! If you try to take a grenades hot friend home with you and she and she isn’t satisfied by the end of the night she’ll pull the “ducks fly together” card and you’ll be left at home with only a your lotion and lap top for company.

2.)    BE NICE BUT NOT TOO NICE: You have to acknowledge the Grenade but you must never… and I repeat NEVER be overly nice to her or it’ll back fire on you. If the Grenade gets the slightest vibe (though unrealistic) that you like her she’ll explode taking your chances with her friend to the grave. All she has to utter is those simple four words, “I think he’s cute” and BOOM. The highly attractive chick not wanting to disappoint her fat friend pawns you off on her. And you’ll have unwanted company following you around until the party is busted or the bar closes.

3.)    THE HOPPER: It is impossible to avoid the Grenade but there are precautions you can take to not have to deal with her. If you travel in a groups everyone could be assigned someone to talk to exclusively and someone could be assigned to be the hopper. The Hopper is the friend that has to cover the grenade and hense no collateral damage.  

So now that you know the true definition of a Grenade and the 3 standard rules about these explosive females I expect you to be careful on the field of battle soldier. And remember next time you find yourself grinding with a sexy honey to that annoying Ke$ha song be on the look out for the Grenade that could be lurking in this chicks shadow.

END // TRANSMISSION 

--Agent Orange

Coming Soon:

The GRENADE Indicator – a report from LNGChz on the many types of Grenades there are out there .