What do you get when you mix beaches, bars, boats, booze, bands, and broads? Bingo! Seacrets. Quite possibly the most fun in all of North America, it seems as if there is something for everyone at this Jamaican themed paradise.
As trashy as Ocean City is, they seem to try and regulate some of the vacationers activities by not allowing booze on the beach. And since the man doesn’t keep everyone down, those smart enough to want to mix drinking and aquatics can mosey on out to the raft tables. Want to go to a dance club but your status on the sex offender registry makes H2O out of the question? Not only can you get your groove on, the floor bounces!
If you are a female under thirty with anything that resemble good looks, there is a solid chance that at some point you are going to need assistance helping an old creeper get the point that you don’t want a dance. Not to mention that you DO NOT want the drink he brought over for you. Although how can any of us actually have as much fun as in The Hangover if we never unknowingly get roofied?! Males in their twenties are in luck however because at Seacrets a hunting license is not required to hunt their most plentiful big game… cougars. I myself was attacked by one of these alluring creatures while near my mom, and with the help of Agent Orange we were able to subdue her (see picture below). This time it was just an exercise in catch and release, I cannot be so sure my next encounter with a cougar will end so dully.
One of the best things about the place is that there are like 17 bars. Need to convince the girl your dancing with not to ditch you and start getting hit on by some other schmuck? It seems no matter where you are in the place you can always get a drink. Want to buy a round of shots for yourself and your 2… 3… 4 friends? Is there a reason whenever you go to get shots twice as many people as you were talking to end up free loading off your drunken generosity? But no matter how many cheap degenerates-- who don’t buy you a shot in return-- happen to be in the right place at the right time, it never seems as if your more than one person in line away from alcoholic bliss.
And speaking of alcoholic bliss, how about those delicious drinks they make. Normally I’d shy away from drinks at the bar garnished with cherries or pineapple, but things like rum punch seem so much more fitting at a beach paradise than some shitty Natty in a can. And the frozen drinks are delicious too; enough so that a Rebel Yell drinking man’s man like my friend Mr. Kenny will order a rum runner or two while listening to his favorite reggae band.
If drinking a drink on the bouncy floor in the dance club, a word of advice would be to grip your drink over the top as opposed to holding the sides. At least that’s what I do in order to avoid taking a sip and choking on the confetti that will inevitably fall into your cup if the top is left uncovered. The confetti/balloon drop seems to amuse drunk adults way more than any kids at a birthday party I’ve ever seen. The only problem is the confetti gets freakin’ everywhere! After one too many rum punches and getting taken out of Seacrets in a headlock, our friend Mr. Kenny goes to change and pass out; but when he takes off his shirt there is enough confetti falling out of it to start a new dance party in our hotel room.
If Seacrets were any more fun I am sure they would find a way to make it illegal. So if you’ve never been you need to go. And if you’ve don’t agree with everything in this little praising of all things Seacrets… well then you need to go back to 49th Street and try and have fun!--Grey Area
